yo,
dawg!

Now, this is a story
all about how
I got put in air jail,
forever locked down.
And I’d like to take a minute,
just sit right there.
I’ll tell you how
I became the felon
of a house called Schmell-air.

From Craigslist as a pup
I was adopted and raised.
They said my tiny jaw
Would grow into my face.
Chillin’ in my blanket,
Relaxin’ all cool.
Getting lost in existential dread
Is what I would do.

When a couple of curtains
That were up to no good
Started blowin’ in a breeze
In my neighborhood.
I lifted one little leg,
And my human got scared.
She said, “You cannot roam around!
You’re coming with me everywhere!”

I begged and pleaded
For my freedom every day.
But she packed a comfy pouch
And we were on our way.
She gave me a kiss,
And then she fed me some bacon.
I settled right in and thought,
“I might as well kick it.”

First class, yo.
This ain’t so bad!
Swaddled like a kangaroo
With endless head pats.
Is this how the hoodrats
in the burbs be living like?
Hmm, this might be alright!

But wait, I see
That rug over there.
Would my human let me sniff
Around that spot by the chair?
Hm, I don’t think so.
I’ll see when I get there.
I hope she’s prepared
For the felon of Schmell-air.

Well, there was a knock at the door.
A package had landed.
She turned around for a second,
And I sprung into action.

She whistled for me,
And I came near
Feeling pretty proud
Of the fresh aroma in the air.
I think I could say
That what I did felt fair.
Then I hopped into my pouch
And thought, “We’re chillin’ in Schmell-air!”

Across the house,
We got settled in a chair,
And I yelled out to the rug,
“Yo holmes, smell ya later!”
I looked at my penal institution
With my gremlin stare.
Now I just sit in my jailhouse
As the felon of Schmell-air!

all the big important questions

  • Yes. And what I mean by that is… well, you know when it rains, and the worms wiggle up out of the ground, and then it stops raining, and some worms get stuck on the sidewalk, and then the sun comes out, and they just kinda bake to a caked-on crisp? Well, that’s when they’re prime for eating. But worms are truly the least concerning thing that I willingly consume on a regular basis.

  • No, I am just slightly inbred in the facial region. The rest of me is fully operable and seemingly in working condition—even the inner contents of my lil noggin.

  • Nope! I do not take or require medicine of any sort. I just have RDF (resting derp face). When I am relaxed is when it really sets in.

  • Indeed, I get to spend most of my days lounging in the lap of luxury while my human works. She feeds me, plays with me, attends to my every squeak, and she just can’t stop babbling over how impossibly tiny and cute and funny (looking) I am.

  • The doggy dentist had to remove some sadly. 💔 My jaws don't align properly, so dental care is more challenging. I'm on a better dental regimen now though, so we are hopeful that my remaining teeth will stay intact for many years to come.